The Next Chapter
For those who subscribe to this blog, this is another IVF post so please only continue reading should you wish.
We finished up here with the wait. The of waiting for the insides to recover. I had to wait two cycles and I am usually pretty spot on. But his procedure clearly stuffed me up a bit and resulted in 37 day cycles. So once the two had come, into the doctors I went and he explained the procedure using a frozen embryo. It was currently day 2 and I was told all the action would start on day 10 with blood tests and then it would go on from there. However plans were halted due to one minor thing. My husbands initials on the authority form to release the frozen eggs. He wasn’t with me to sign the form. I said he would be able to drive there first thing in morning and do it. The doc said that should be fine and then went and spoke to the head nurse and she said no. She said we needed to start next month now and not this current one as the forms need to be signed before day 1. I questioned the fact that it was currently day 2 and between now and day 10, nothing actually happens but he said this nurse runs a strict routine and won’t make exceptions. So therefore my moments of excitement of getting started with the process, quickly disappeared and I was full of anger and frustration.
The drive home in the car by myself was too much thinking time. It was peak hour traffic so took nearly a hour. By the time I walked into the door I was about to explode. After a jar of Nutella I sat on the floor for the next few hours and worked on a Inspired by Paper order that was needing to be done. Hubby came home from work late with Maccas for my dinner. We discussed it, I let out my frustration and I just filed it away in the back of my mind as another hurdle in this 6 year battle and moved on and waited another month.
The month then came and went, I was looking after myself, eating well and had the embryo transfer done. Then it was a two week wait until the blood test. That is the hardest time. Trying not to think about it and just relax. Unfortunately I didn’t need to wait for the blood test to find out the answer. My body told me that it hadn’t been a successful transfer. However, they still make you do the blood test and I still had a nurse call me and tell me I wasn’t pregnant. Deep breath. So it was down to one frozen egg.
I had been in this situation before with one egg and I didn’t like it. I felt like there was so much pressure for it to work and then the thought of it not working and having to go through the needles and egg retrieval again scared me. For this transfer I tried to be a lot more relaxed. The time I was told to do the egg transfer was smack bang in the middle of my day I was booked to be at a market. Not wanting to cancel it, I went and set up, had a friend mind my stall for a few hours and then went back.
The nervous two week wait then begun again. It was the first time I went to the blood test not knowing the answer in advance. All the other times my body had told me. Even with my twin pregnancy I had been bleeding so thought it wasn’t successful. I went on to work and stared at my phone waiting for it to ring. Hours later the nurse called and told me the good news. I was in shock. I was speechless and straight away called hubby, closely followed by my two besties who had been anxiously waiting all day too!
That was December. I fast forward now to June. Sitting here at 32 weeks pregnant and sharing my journey. It has been a pretty good pregnancy. I have gone public and had appointments every 2-3 weeks at the hospital due to being high risk after the infection I had when I lost the twins. So I have heard the heartbeat on many occasions. Had the doctors tell me that things are going well. And yet in my head it is not reality yet.
I have yet to buy a pram, a cot or install a car seat. I have yet to paint the nursery or buy furniture to store the clothes in. They are currently in a box. I have yet to change my lifestyle and continue to work 6 days a week and also continue on with Inspired by Paper orders. I have yet to read a book on pregnancy or birth or attend any classes. I haven’t been sleeping much and when I was told to have a nap last week I thought, nap? I have never been able to take a nap in the middle of the day. There is no time for that. Mentally, I am not ready for this yet. Some may call it denial. I don’t know why I am like this way. When you have wanted something for so long when it is finally here/coming, it should be a exciting time. For me, the excitement hasn’t come yet. Being in labour once before and having my boys born sleeping sits at the back of my mind. When my sister recently had a baby it really hit me that soon I will be holding a baby too and I need to get things organised. Need to get my shit together. It scared me that I may not be able to do it. That I may not be able to handle motherhood and that I won’t have a connection with my boy. That I am in this stage of my life and all my friends went through it many years ago. They have kids in primary school and some even high school and here I am rocking up to the party when everyone else has already gone home.
So I sit here now waiting. Knowing that any day in the next 8 weeks my life will change. Whether I am ready for it or not I will be bringing a human into the world. I do know however, he will be one strong little man to have made it earth side and will be joining one amazing and most loving extended family imagined.
A present that I put under the Christmas tree to share with my family the news of the pregnancy. The look on their faces was priceless when it was read out who it was for and then I could see it registering in their head what it meant!