Grieving my way.
The ashes. What to do with ones ashes can sometimes be a easy decision for some after dealing with death. For us, it was something we avoided discussing. So as we approached the year anniversary since I delivered the twins, it was decided to scatter them in a place by the water that we both liked.
As the day approached, I got up and I went to work. I went about my normal work day. Throughout the day I got some lovely texts from friends and family sending their love. Saying they are thinking of me.
Saying it must be a hard day for me. Yes. It should’ve been a hard day for me but why was it not? There were no tears. I felt like I had none in me. I felt like I was being a bad mother.
I am usually a pretty emotional person. I’ll cry watching an episode of Home and Away. But I’m also a very strong and stubborn. Losing my mum when I was 18 made me really grow up and I matured quickly and know I am a different person to what I would’ve been if she was still around. I learnt to deal with things more on my own, make decisions and generally just ‘toughen up’ mentally.
When I lost the twins I had great friends and family who were there for me. But there wasn’t my mum. The time when I needed her the most, she wasn’t here. The time when I needed that motherly love, care and words. I was grateful to have a caring aunt who came to the hospital and to the house with food but was also surprised to never hear from other women in my life during this hard time. The one time I wanted them to call or knock on my door but there was nothing (this clearly bothered me more than I knew at the time as I am bringing it up here now as it is still in the back of my mind).
Now fast forward a year it was time to say goodbye to our boys again and there was no emotion at all. Nothing for the whole day. Felt like I needed to do what had to be done and then keep going. It was almost like another thing on my to do list that I needed to tick off.
Together with hubby we scattered the ashes in the water and watched them float away and it was all done.
We released these balloons and stood forever together in silence watching them up in the sky.
A week or two later I was laying in bed watching the Dawsons Creek final episode. Over the months prior, I had watch all 6 seasons. There were some sad scenes with the death of Jen and I started crying. I then cried and cried and cried.
We are all different. We find our own ways to deal with things. There isn’t a ‘normal’ way to grieve. And I think together with Dawson, Joey and Pacey, I had found the right time for me to let it all out.