The hardest day of my life.

 

The personal post I wasn’t going to publish but decided it might be good for others to know they are not alone….

 

We talked about the year ahead. It was hard not too. Everything revolved around the twins arrival. Getting things finished on the house, taking a break from work, no markets for Inspired By Paper, the location of family Xmas being near my house for convenience,  and even my sisters wedding in the new year and who would look after them.

Whilst people said I didn’t show excitement I just couldn’t wait for their arrival. It was more than 4 years of waiting when I got the call from the clinic saying I was pregnant. I was in the car park of Masters with my hubby, niece and nephew there were tears and screams.

When they said the due date of December 2nd, it was a sign. I knew it was meant to be. This was my mums birthday who I lost to cancer when I was 18. I couldn’t help but smile and look up and thank her as I thought she helped make this happen. But then at six weeks, I realised what the December 2nd due date was actually suppose to tell me. We found out I was having twins. Now something I don’t mention was that my mum is a identical twin. We always thought one of us 5 kids may have twins and it appeared that I was the one she thought could handle it.

It brought the due date to 32-34 weeks so we were starting to look at more late October start of November arrival.

The first 8-10 weeks were weird. I didn’t notice much of a difference and wasn’t really sick. Just the nauseous feeling often at night but I learnt to live with that. It made it hard for me to believe I was pregnant. Where was all this morning sickness everyone spoke about?

The scans were frequent and at 12 weeks it was so exciting to see the two of them moving about. They wouldn’t stop.

There were no facebook or text message announcements, just over time as I saw people I shared the news with them. I really don’t like the attention and the thought of announcing it freaked me out. My sister was already trying to twist my arm about having a baby shower and once again I was totally against it as I hated the thought of telling people to buy me gifts and be the centre of attention.

At 14 weeks I was really popping out. No pants fitted me and I really started to feel pregnant and talk more about it. People at work were telling me I was getting bigger each time they saw me. Hubby had I had been to baby shops and sussed out the prams and family members couldn’t help but start buying us gifts.

There were a lot more visits to doctors as my insides weren’t normal like others due to me having a dydelphys uterus. It is like a uterus split it two. It isn’t totally uncommon and some women don’t know they have it until during their pregnancy, but the thought of two babies in half the size of a normal uterus did cause some risks. But I just looked at the positive and loved that I got to see the twins every week at a scan.

At 2am in June 16th was the moment my heart broke. I’d been admitted to hospital a few hours earlier as things just didn’t seem right. The doctor and my husband had both gone home as things seem to have been ok. But they weren’t. The pain I was in was actually labour pains. I didn’t know this. I didn’t know what they were. I hadn’t read any books on birth. Even when my waters broke I didn’t click that that was what it was. I didn’t click that my babies were on their way. A little while later, the nurse then told me that my first baby had arrived. No. My baby couldn’t have come out. No. No. No. The doctor was called at home to come in, as was my husband.

It then was one of the hardest hours of my life. All I said to the midwife was ‘does that mean the other one is coming?’  She said yes. Ok. So those pains I kept getting were contractions. It was all coming together in my head. At 310am baby two was delivered. Fortunately the doctor and my husband had arrived by this time.

We had been booked in for a scan a few days after this and was going to find out the sex. The excitement had been building and I was so ready to start decorating their room with all my inspiration from many hours on Instagram. Finding out they were boys this way was not how it was suppose to be.

The next few hours were a bit of a blur. We held our little boys briefly but I was still in a state of shock. I really hadn’t taken in what had just happened.

Six weeks have now passed and I am now back into my normal routine of life and work. What else is there to do? I would love to be able to stay at home curled up in my bed and think about what should have been. But that won’t get me no where besides in a deeper state of depression. Yes there have been tears, there has been anger and fights with hubby. I have been grateful to the friends who have been by my side through it all. Joining me on the couch for a cuppa and a cry and knowing that to keep calling me and I would answer the phone when I was ready to talk.

My biggest regret upon leaving the hospital was not spending enough time with the twins. Holding them so briefly after their birth and not saying goodbye sat on my mind for a few days. I left the hospital with nothing and was going home to nothing. What did I have to remember them by?

We visited the funeral home to do paperwork for their cremation. I then asked if we were able to have some time to say goodbye. A few days later, hubby and I returned to do this. They were wrapped in some baby blankets that were given to me as a gift and placed together in a small coffin. We were able to hold them and just talk. Also in the room was Clare. I asked her there to take some photos. I needed something. I felt like I had nothing to remind me that they were a part of our lives. She quietly snapped away in the corner and left us with some beautiful images for us to remember our babies.

So for now I have packed away the maternity and baby clothes. But I hope to be able to tell you that I am able to pull them out again in 2016……